My Child

You are my child and I love you, but I can’t help you because you don’t want me to.
My heart breaks seeing me in you, I wish you wanted to be me now, not the me that I used to be. I will never give up on you and I will always pray for you, but something has to change and if it won’t be you, it has to be me. I need to be free of all this insanity. When you are ready I will be right here waiting, you will always know where to find me. I am your heart and you are mine. Mother and daughter…….. family.

Secret

I pray for God to take away this lust

But all I really want to do…… is say fuck it and run to you

I want to lose myself in your kiss and fall into your soul

I don’t care that you belong to another, I don’t care that another belongs to me

I want a dirty little secret that only you and I can see

Oh God, please, help.... ahh fuck it, I'm going to follow my obsession and keep it my secret

The Alignment

Sometimes it feels as though the stars are aligning to make all things possible,

I just have to reach for the impossible and make my life probable.

It is time to set all fear aside and reach for the stars and make this life my own.

I must live in my dreams to achieve my goals, I can not be stifled by others inability to move forward in their own life and dreams.

It is time for me seize this moment of reality and take what God has given to be mine.

Seasons

I’ve heard the term a reason, a season or a lifetime

But I ask, “What is the reason when someone promises a lifetime and leaves you before the end of the season?

Why run? Is it too hard to stick and stay?

I suppose if that is your level of commitment you should be on your way and quess what, I will be okay

I have fortitude, combined with a need to forgive and forget and I will persevere with all the love in my heart

I will make a fresh start, with people of like mind and like heart

                                                                                       

Mom

Mom, I love you with all my heart

I will always be your little girl

It was a sad day when you joined God and left this world

You gave so much of yourself when I was growing up

Tutoring me in math, expanding my vocabulary, you gave me a love of learning

I feel your love all around me and it leaves me yearning

Mom, I apologize for taking your love and warmth for granted

My only regret is not appreciating you more when you were alive

I’m so sorry for all the times you worried and cried

I have just come to realize what a wonderful woman you were

You were thoughtful, compassionate and kind

A true lady like I hope to be in time

Even though it’s been a few years since you passed, I still cry

Mom, you’re in my thoughts everyday

Mommy, I think I have finally found my way

Yet Another Rant

People seem to like my rants, so here ya go folks I got another one for ya…….

What da fuck is up with these mother fuckers that whine all the time, you see the shit on facebook, I hear it in meetings, everywhere I go I hear people bitching n’ moaning about their lot in life… get over yourself asshole, Jesus H. Christ, I got better things to do than listen to the shit that comes outta your pie hole, fuckin’ asshole! I got my own problems and you don’t see me crying all the fucking time, would you like some cheese and crackers with that whine? Look for the solution dumbass, in the confusion there’s light at the end of the tunnel, I’ll give you the freakin’ muzzle! SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Alsoooooo! Can somebody please tell me why some people act like it’s another human beings fault that their life is fucked up! I mean really, what are you a fucking puppet? You give other people that much power over you then you deserve to screwed, dude! I am so fucking tired of taking the blame for other peoples shit, it ain’t my fault you did this or that…. Wait for it…. wait for it…. YOU made a decision, right or wrong, it was yours! NOW there’s the HIT! Awwwww, shit! Now you gotta take a look at yourself and ain’t that a bitch!

I am fed up with mother fuckers looking outside themselves for what they should be looking for on the inside. It’s all I can do to keep my side of the street clean and keep myself in line, do you on your dime, not mine!
So, in closing, have a nice day and FUCK all ya’ll

Powerless

Practicing powerlessness in extreme earnest

Doing my best, certainly not anything less

Putting one foot in front of the other, we’re just trying to love one another

Achieving a higher state of being, letting go is in the believing

Replacing fear with faith is this new dilemma that I face

Friendship Lost

Girl, You done did it, you broke my heart

I don’t know how or why we have grown apart
All I know is that it hurts beyond belief
All I have left is an overwhelming grief

I feel so sad for a friendship lost
I thought we’d be friends forever, no matter the cost
But I guess I was mistaken
Our friendship has been forsaken

It seems like I am the only one reaching out
You never reach back, leaving me full of doubt
I have tried more than once to tell you how I feel
For whatever reason you don’t think my feelings are valid and real

I don’t know what to do any more
So it is up to you to settle this score
I will continue to pray you
That is all I have left, it is all I can do

My Maria

You were my Maria, but then the disease took you away from me

I want you back, back the way you used to be

I remember like it was yesterday, how you reached out to me and told me everything was going be okay

Please stop, just stop the insanity

My heart is so heavy with wanting to help and knowing I can’t, because you won’t let me in

I look to the God of my understanding and I pray and I pray and I curse the heavens above, how could this have happened, but I know how, I know how and why you have let me down

I’m scared and I’m angry, yet once again

The disease is a monster that lives in all of us, it doesn’t want us happy, it wants us dead

God Maria why did you let it out again?

Maria you are so beautiful of heart, mind, body and soul

Why did you never see in yourself what others saw?

The kind, pretty lady without scar or flaw

My tears are falling for you Maria, for Todd, Miranda and the beautiful lil’ Chloe Rose

Please come back to us, put down the drugs, start living your life right

Otherwise you will never see your family grow

You are kind, loving and good

You are a beautiful child of the universe

You have touched my life like no one else could

My hope is that you don’t lose the battle before all becomes clear

When you are ready Maria, I am here

Fuck Off

Feeling like it's that time again, it's time to vent! I am so fucking done with these mother fuckers telling me what they're gonna do in my fucking house and they don't even pay any rent! Bend over fucking backwards for these assholes and the more I give the more they take, well the bank is fucking closed mother fuckers I ain't got no more cake! Go bleed some one else dry, go suck the the life outta them and make them cry, cause I am D- O- N- E, DONE! So tired of idiots playing the victim when shit don't go their way, cry me a fucking river asshole, that's just how life goes day to day. Get over yourself! Stop quitten' every time,so what, shit goes wrong, living like that you'll never get to the finish line. Your life is not my fault so stop acting like it is, fuck head, you saw your own wound and added the salt! And to the dickheads thinking you're entitled to shit, quess what you aint entitled to squat mother fucker, the world don't owe anybody nothing, that's the fucking hit! You gotta make your own way in this world, just like I did and so did all the other boys and girls. Wa Wa Wa ! I'm so fucking tired of hearing it, makes me wanna slit my own wrists! And can some one please me tell why, why do people cry after they post shit on the internet that should never been put there in the 1st fucking place! Ya post this and ya post that and cuss some one out after they spread it around, hey dumb ass you gave em' the fat! duh! As for me I'm done sugar coating shit for people, it is what it is and that's all that it is! You can scoff but really if you don't like it, I don't care any more you can all FUCK OFF!

Sunday Morning Hope

Sunday morning hope is better than Saturday night dope
Waking up to a brand new day, yawning with morning breath, I have something to say
Living in the light of the now, forgetting my past lies and the ups and the downs
It's the dawning of a brand new me, the beginning of the end has set me free

Benefit with out the work

Another day has begun! I feel fear in the pit of my gut and I don't know why. Is it fear of the unknown or is it fear of what I do know. A good woman must know her limitations and I am trying to figure out what they are.
Oh, God of all that is good, help me to find my way in this life. I am growing weary with all the demands on my time. I want to negate all responsiblity and just be! Where do I find the freedom to be me? Where is the peace of mind I long for?
I suppose now would be a good time to pray. But I fear that my prayers go unheard, is the God I have come to understand listening or do I need to find another. I am not understanding where this doubt has come from. For lack of knowing nothing else I will pray for me, for you and all others. It is all I have sometimes, prayer. Prayer is good, it is faith.
I long for something, something...... an unknown feeling or sensation...... I want more, but I don't want to work for it.... haha, I want it to magically appear and just be as it always was.............

Angel in my dreams

I find myself thinking of you as an angel in my dreams
In the dead of night I long to hold your hand and stroke your thigh
I wish to kiss you tenderly and hear you whisper with contented sigh

I am Great!

IT’S TIME TO GET MY ASS OFF THE COUCH

IT’S TIME TO START LIVING THIS LIFE

AND STOP BEING A FUCKING SLOUCH

I GOT GOALS TO ACHIEVE

AND DREAMS TO FULFILL

IT TIME I STARTED TO BELIEVE THAT THE GLASS IS HALF FULL

MY NEEDS ARE MET BUT MY WANTS ARE MINE TO GET

SO IT’S TIME TO GET MOVING AND MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN

LEAVING THE QUITTERS IN THE DUST WITH THEIR JAWS STILL A FLAPPEN

I’M GONNA GET MINE YOU CAN TRUST AND BELIEVE

 IT’S ALL GONNA WORK OUT AND IT’S GONNA BE JUST FINE

GODS GOT MY BACK

 AND YES SHES ON MY SIDE

 AND YES SHE HAS GIVEN ME WINGS SO THAT I CAN FLY

I AM GREAT! I AM SOMEBODY! SUCCESS IS MY MOTHER FUCKING FATE!

Bawlmer

I can not title this work, Bawlmer Hon, as is my wish, because someone who did not coin the term has patented it for her own. The term is a term of endearment all Bawlmorians use when they don't know your name or are just to lazy to remember. But alas, due to anothers greed, we true Bawlmer hon's, can not publish a titled work using an affection that belongs to all ya' all, hon! Hon, is as much a part of our heritage as Patterson Park, marble steps and crabs. How we have allowed one individual to take that away from us is beyond my understanding.

I love the city in which I live, the diverse cultures cut up in little sections

We have Greektown and Little Italy, where those nationalties once lived, but have since flown to the suburbs, leaving behind nothing but excellent cuisine.

A rising village of latin descent can be found on Broadway, day laborers walk the block, hoping to be picked up for work, all swarming on a pick up truck as it stops.

Then we have Pratt and Monroe on the west side of town, where the down trodden live in abandon shells which were once somebodies home, dealers and users walking together but always alone.

A few blocks away we have South Balwmer, hon, Cross St. market with it's eateries, trendy bars and the young professionals living in their rowhomes with their concrete lawns.

My personal favorvite, Highlandtown, where as a teenager we would cop out of school and take the bus to the head shop, Fire Fly, buy cherry flavored rolling papers, dip in the alley to burn one, turn the corner to Shockets, walk up to G&A for a Coney Island hot dog and go shopping in Epsteins.

Let us not forget the late, great, Mayor Schaefers crowning achievement, the Inner Harbor, where the tourists go to visit the Aquariam, Science Center and seek rest at the outside ampitheater to watch our wonderfully talented street performers hoping for payment.

Patterson Park, Butchers Hill, Belair-Edison, Canton, Fells Point, Brooklyn and all points in between, Balwmer is a beautiful town with it's rich heritage and bred in work ethic, we are all Bawlmer hons and that's all I gotta say I'm done!

disappointed

You say to me “how can I trust this”

I say to you “how can I trust you, Miss”

I have done everything right

Have tried with all of my might

Things aren’t always smooth

But you listen to that man who is always crude

You lost sight of your dreams and hopes

Listening to a negative dope

How can I trust all your spiritual hype

When your stuck on stupid with the nay sayer types

Measured

I AM MORE THAN THE SUM OF MY PARTS

I AM NO LESS THAN THE LOVE IN MY HEART

MY SOUL OVERFLOWING WITH COMPASSION

EMPATHY CAN NOT BE MEASURED BY FRACTIONS

KINDNESS IS MY STATE OF BEING

GOODWILL TOWARDS OTHERS IS MY WAY OF SEEING

I AM MORE THAN THE SUM OF MY PARTS

I AM NO LESS THAN THE LOVE IN MY HEART

Oh Rhea

Oh Rhea what have you done, you’ve gone and unleashed the beast

And now the disease has won

Oh, my sister only you and god can get you out of this mess, as for me I am powerless

My hopes will be forever with you, my wish is for you to make it back to where you truly belong

And keeping you in my prayers is all I can do

To the disease of addiction

Fuck you disease of addiction

I’ve seen you ruin lives without permission

You leave nothing but wreckage in your wake

Fucking grabbing everything you can take

My friends are dead all because of you

Locked up and institutionalized because you played them like fools

I wish you were a tangible thing that I could see

Cause then you’d be dead all because of ME!

THE WOMEN

SURROUNDED BY THE MOST AMAZING VIEW

STRONG, SPIRITUAL WOMEN ON ALL SIDES

THEY PULL ME TO THEIR BOSOM LIKE A SMALL CHILD

I FIND COMFORT IN THEIR STRONG EMBRACE

WARMTH, LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING SHINE FROM BEHIND THEIR EYES

IT IS WHERE I FIND THE MEANING OF LIFE, IT IS WHERE LOVE COLLIDES

We Go

We get in our cars and we go where we go

We get where we're going and we do what we do

We get back in our cars and go the way we came

Day in and day out it's always the same

a random thought

I can do whatever I want, I can be whatever I can be

Looking to the past and what’s right in front of me

I will find my way and be better for it, Thank you God!

Idiot

WHAT DA FUCK! THERE AIN’T NOTHING RIGHT! GOD DAMN THIS SUCKS!

I CAN’T CATCH A BREAK FROM SELF CENTERED ASSHOLES AND THE DRIVLE THAT THEY DOLE

ROAD BLOCKS EVERYWHERE THAT I TRAVEL, I SWEAR TO CHRIST I’M FREAKING COMING UNRAVELED.

DUMB ASS IDIOTS SCREAMING NEGATIVITY TRYING TO THREATEN WHAT’S LEFT OF MY LONGEVITY.

SO MANY LIES FILLED WITH HATE, THAT I’M FINDING IT HARD TO CREATE A SENSE OF WELL BEING, WHAT A SORRY FATE!

IN MY MINDS EYE I AM SEEING THAT HAPPY PLACE BUT I JUST CAN’T SEEM TO COME FACE TO FACE WITH CONTENTMENT, BUT OH!OH! SO MANY RESENTMENTS.

MOTHER FUCKING RETARDS! I SWEAR I’M SURROUNDED, SO MUCH SO IT’S GETTING FREAKING CROWDED!

I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE CRAP I CAN TAKE, I AM SO TIRED OF NODDING AND SMILING, I FEEL LIKE A FAKE.

WHAT I REALLY WANNA DO IS SCREAM IN THEIR FACE, HEY! FUCK HEAD WHAT A DISGRACE. YOU’RE A DISGRACE TO THE HUMAN RACE! HEY! YEAH YOU FUCK FACE!

THEN I’D LIKE TO PUNCH EM IN DA EYE AND TURN AROUND AND LAUGH WHILE THEY FUCKING CRY, WHAT AN IDIOT!

Conflicted

CONFLICTING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE

RESENTMENT AND ANGER  SHOWING NO ROOM FOR COMPROMISE

YOU, ME, HUMANITY  IT IS ALL OF THIS THAT I DESPISE

GOD DOESN’T SEEM TO HEAR MY HEARTFELT PLEAS

THERE IS TOO MUCH PAIN GOING ON INSIDE OF ME

 THAT NO ONE LOOKS PAST TO SEE

THE VARIED MASKS THAT I PORTRAY

WONDERING WHEN DO I GET TO SPEAK OUT AND SAY

MY LAST NERVE IS WAY PAST BEING FRAYED

OVER EXISTING ON COMPROMISE

TOO MUCH TURMOIL SWIRLING INSIDE

DAMNING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE

OH! GOD I CAN’T DECIDE

DO I WANT TO LIVE OR DIE

ALL OR NOTHING

IT’S ALL OR NOTHING FOR A GIRL LIKE ME

THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND

NO LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, NOT THAT I CAN SEE

I’M RUNNING FULL SPEED AHEAD

TO HELL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES

NOT SEEING THAT TREE IN MY PATH THAT’S AROUND THE BEND

I’M HOLDING ON TIGHT TO FANCIFUL FANTASY

AND I WON’T BUDGE AN INCH

NOT WILLING TO BEND TO ANOTHER MANS’ FUCKED UP REALITY

LIVING MY LIFE THROUGH BELLY LAUGHTER

I’M SMILING THROUGH  MY FEARS

LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT IS ALL THAT MATTERS!

Actions

One man's junk is another man's treasure

It is not by your opinion that I make my measure

I look into the depths of my soul

There I find the one thing that I can control

Can you quess what it is?

I can tell you it is not your's, hers or his

It is mine and it is.........................

my actions

Jus sayin.....

Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one

Looking at your ass is not my idea of fun

So keep your opinion to yourself, ok I’m done

Thank you, thank you very much!

Self

The fucking self- pity is boiling inside of me

I’m the fucking victim, can you see inside of me

This little girl is crying for her daddy

While the teenager fires up a big ol’ fatty

I won’t let myself be happy

The fucking self-loathing is almost more than I can bear

It’s like I’m sitting here naked and exposed, raw nerve bare

Having six pack abs doesn’t make me tough

Too much is never going to be enough

I want to little, I like it rough

The fucking self- centered fear is rising again

It threatens to ruin all I have done again

Looking around to throw the blame

Where the fuck is my 15 minutes of fame

I gotta get out of this game

Changes

Changes are coming

I can feel it in my soul

Things are beginning to happen that are beyond my control

I’m excited and scared

All at the same time

I wonder what happens when life turns on a dime